Sometimes I think my child is on loan

Dear Max

So here’s something weird – sometimes I feel like your mom (even though you look nothing like me) and it feels natural and all those instincts that everyone talks about are strong.

Yet other times, I wonder WTF I’m doing – how do I know how to teach you lessons, how do I know how to mother, and how do I know to set boundaries, to discipline, to nurture in your best interests? These are the times I feel like I’m your babysitter or au pair, like any minute your “real” mom is going to come and take over, someone who knows *exactly* what they’re doing.

Please know that this has nothing to do with not connecting to you, or loving you enough, or not thinking you are awesome enough – it’s quite the opposite. It’s so good and you’re so phenomenal that sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s no dream – that I really do have the privilege of being your mom.

I love you dude,


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3 responses to “Sometimes I think my child is on loan”

  1. Gwen says :

    I sure can relate, sometimes i want to pull out my hair or throw a tantrum like kids do just to see their reaction. Othertimes i just pray, but i Love them to pieces. Like with my four year old turning five on Sunday, he is sick t the moment, but not that sick that he cant be naughty so he push all the buttons. Last night while he had one bad coughing session he ask me why is he sick cause he’s chest is so sore, and could cry cause i felt so hopeless. I could just hold him and love him.

    The thing is I Love THem still no matter how naughty they are.

  2. cat@juggling act says :

    Oh I know what you mean – one almost feel like you are not deserving enough to me the mom.

  3. denita says :

    I am sure all moms have a moment of feeling like this. 🙂 I know I certainly do!

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